Of Palm Trees and Chibis
by Amethyst Blade
Summary: Set of EdxEnvy drabbles...mainly comedy, maybe romance later...rating just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi I'm Amethyst Blade and I will be your current waste of time! I'm new to writing (fan fiction anyway) and have little idea what I'm doing--that should make things interesting for you, my readers. You may or may not review…your choice. If you like it though, tell me please!

And so you know, Al is human, and dating Wrath(they'll appear later) and their living with Ed and Envy…don't ask why…

Disclaimer: I will own Fullmetal Alchemist when chibis fly.

Envy: Edo cannot fly--therefore she doesn't own us.

Ed: …(twitching)

Ame: Uh-oh.

Ed: WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT IT'D TAKE 500 OF HIM TO FILL A SEAHORSE'S SADDLE!

Ame: Who said anything about seahorses? Oh well--on with the story!

Envy and Ed: (arguing loudly in background

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Of Palm trees and Chibis Drabble One: Touch My Ass

Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist sat in his living room reading his newest alchemical text. And trying to ignore a certain Sin staring at him. Which was difficult considering said person kept slowly edging closer.

"Hey, Chibi-san?"

"_Yes,_ Envy?" The blonde glared at the slender hand now blocking his page, a slight twitch coming to his eye.

"Touch my ass," the homunculus replied seriously. That got Ed's attention.

"_WHAT?"_

"Touch--my--ass._" _Envy repeated slowly, pushing his bottom in his chibi's face. Golden eyes stared at him in disbelief, so the older male continued. "We've been lovers for…what now? Almost a year. And yet you hardly ever touch my ass."

The alchemist stared. "What's that got to do with anything?" Envy pouted and snuggled down on the couch next to the eldest Elric, undoing the teenager's braid as he did so.

"It makes me think you don't think I'm sexy!" The pout grew in intensity, while the blonde on the couch blushed.

"It's not _that_, I just…um…don't want to. That's all," Ed muttered, attempting to redo his hair.

Amethyst eyes widened in hurt. "Why not?"

The alchemist was an intense shade of scarlet now. "Do we have to continue this discussion? I have to get to the office…" The blonde jumped from the couch proceeding towards the door.

"But _Edo_…"

"I'llbehomelaterbye!"

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_RRRRRRING_

Ed sighed as he answered the phone in Mustang's office. "Hello this is Edward Elric can I help you?"

"Yeah, Chibi, when you come home--"

"NO!" _SLAM_

_Five minutes later…_

_RRRRRRING_

"Hello?"

"Yeah, Chibi, you should really--"

"NO!"

_Five more minutes…_

_RRRRRRING_

Edward frowned and sighed, picking up the phone. "Hi, is this Envy?"

"Yes! Hiya, Chibi, you know you shouldn't hang up on pe--"

"STOP CALLING ME!" As the blonde was about to replace the receiver, he heard Envy mutter something.

"Then I'll come by! See ya later Chibi-san!" The chirpy voice was cut off as the Sin hung up.

"Crap."

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_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK _

Edward Elric rose angrily from his superior officer's desk and raced to the door. "FINE! I'LL TOUCH YOUR DAMNED ASS!" he screamed to the office's new occupant, grabbing their fanny and squeezing.

"That's nice and everything Fullmetal, but I really don't think of you that way. Now please remove your hand, before I burn it."

Ed gulped and nodded. "Sorry Colonel, won't happen again."

A certain homunculus giggled from where he stood in the hallway.

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Ame: So, what'd ya think?

Envy: Chibi really should touch my ass more.

Ed:…(twitching again)

Ame: Thought you'd agree with me! Well until next time…KILL THE MUFFINS!

Ed: Not that again….

Envy: (sighs) please review if you want. While she's still in loopy-land.

Ame: (giggling madly) SLAUGHTER THEM! KILL THEM ALL!

Envy and Ed: (hiding under Ame's bed.


	2. Because I Can

A/N: Hello! I'm back!(giggles) But don't expect updates this quickly when it's not the weekend!

Envy: We made her update...she's still not totally here though.

Ame: (giggles) Hellooooooo! Enmmmviii, say hi to da muffffinmms! S'not p'lite to be k-wittte.

Ed: See?(points to Ame)

Envy: Her first update was something about a princess strawberry muffin and her love for a prince blueberry muffin. It was _scary_.

Ame:(singing) Muffluff muffin Puffwuff muffin spoog-oo-oo-g...

Ed: Crap. Guess we'll have to do the disclaimer...

Envy: I own all of the chibis--

Ed: You don't _own_ m--

Envy: Which means she can't own us.

Ame: Sjfalkf;jsj;ff!

Ed and Envy:...

Ame: On witta show boat!

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Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Two: Because I Can!

_Crunch_(twitch), _crunch_(twitch), _crunch_(twitch), _CRUNCH_(TWITCH)

Envy sat in his sparsely decorated livingroom, glaring at a certain chibi. And twitching. Why the glaring and twitching? _Crunch_.Edward, the chibi in question, was eating potatoe chips. These, in the Sin's opinion, were the most awful snacks in the universe. Why? _Crunch_. The sound! At first it hadn't bothered him so much; his chibi was hungry, so let him eat. But every time Envy tried to talk to the blonde..._Crunch_. Finally he asked what he'd been dying to all day.

"Chibi-san, why're you eating those?"

Chibi's response: "Because I can."

_TWITCH!_

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Envy sighed in exasperation. His blonde lover was reading. Again. And when Edward read, very little got through to him. Maybe if Envy had run into the livingroom screaming: "Chibi help! I"M ON FIRE!", the alchemist would look up. _Maybe_. More than likely, Ed would reply that, even if the Sin was burned to a crisp, his body would regenerate itself. He sighed again. "Edo, Chibi-san, why d'you read those?"

Once again, the oldest Elric replied: "Because I can."

_TWICTCH!_

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The Fullmetal Alchemist, hero of the people, was currently mowing the lawn. It was rather large sized due to Wrath's insistence, as well as Al's(kittens need large yards). And this time it wasn't just the act or just the sound that annoyed th homunculus. It was both. A-The engine roared terribly, making him feel it would explode at any moment. B-Another task robbed him of his chibi. And, most importantly, C-Edward could have shortened the grass with alchemy.

"Edward!" the Sin finally shouted over the sound, "Why're you doing that!"

And, for the third time that day, the blonde's answer was..."Because I can!"

_TWITCH!_

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_Finally, _thought the Sin with delight, _Chibi's mine._ Ed sat with Envy on the plush couch snuggling. Ah...snuggling. That was something both enjoyed. A favorite past-time, actually. Then, the pipsqueak had to go and ruin it all. _Tap_. The alchemist had found a random pencil on the coffee table and was proceeding to whack it against said table. "Edo, sweetie, why're you making that sound?"

"Envy, honey," the chibi murmured, cuddling closer, "Because I can."

_ULTIMATE TWITCH!_

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Despite the fact that homunculi don't require sustenance, Wrath and Envy always joined their lovers at the table. And that night, at dinner, Alphonse and Wrath stared in shock at the other two. Why? "E-Envy...quit it... that's my...mmm..." And then, making the younger two jump, "WHY"RE YOU GROPING ME AT THE DINNER TABLE!"

With a victorious smirk, the Sin answered: "Because I can, Chibi."

It was Edward's turn to twitch.

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Ame: Well, what did you two think?

Ed: She's suddenly sane?

Ame: More sane than I usually am(giggle, giggle).

Envy: M'kay...Since when is Chibi-san "sweetie"?

Ame: Since I wanted it that way.

Envy and Ed: Oooookkkkaaaaaaaaay.

Ame: Next chapter we see more of Wrath and Al. I may do some of the drabbles as just them...hmm.

Envy and Ed: Next chapter, Wrath Stole Me Lucky Charms

Ame: Until then...fight the muffin war!

Wrath:(suddenly appearing out of thin air) Ame would like to thank you for reviews and ask for more--if you don't mind.

Envy: Where'd you come from, runt?

Wrath:(screams and runs away)

Envy:(pursues)


	3. Wrath Stole Me Lucky Charms

A/N: Hello peoples. I'm back! Next day too. :)

Envy: It seems she's gotten over her crazy spell.

Ed: (nods) Yep. And you've stopped chasing Wrath.

Envy: Er…right.

Ame: (opening door) Why's Wrath in my closet? Aaa! He's eating my socks!

Envy: Ditz. That's a gag.

Ed: (turns to Envy) _Envy_!What--did--you--do?

Envy: (very proud) I captured him.

Ed and Envy: (squabbling)

Ame: Hi, Wrath! Whatcha doing?

Wrath: msfppphh!

Ame: Uh-huh. That's nice. Hey! Know what I can do?

Wrath: …?

Ame:):( :):(! See?

Wrath: mumffinm.

Ame: Yup! That's right(pats Wrath on head); we're at war with the muffins!

Envy: (sigh) Her sanity was good while it lasted.

Ed: Amethyst Blade owns Didly Squat.

Envy: Which is a very strange name for a penny.

Ame: Bring out the dancing monkeys(giggle). That rhymed.

Envy and Ed: No, it didn't.

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Three: Wrath Stole Me Lucky Charms

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Despite the fact that homunculi have no need of food or sleep, the Sin of Envy enjoyed both. He loved to dream of his chibi and eat cake. Mainly Envy only ate something sweet. There were few exceptions. Therefore when he woke, the sugary cereal Lucky Charms© was the way to go. It was as necessary to his being as coffee was to Ed. Thus when he awoke one morning and began to pour his breakfast, the Sin was very upset to find not a marshmallow in the entire box.

The first thing that came to his mind was mice. But that possibility was quickly ruled out due to several facts: the box wasn't torn, a mouse would have left _some_ of the charms, and Al was currently playing host to four cats. There was only one possibility.

"WRATH!"

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Envy: That was short.

Everyone else: (nods)

Reviewers: (growling)

Ame: I intend to update again later today:)

Ed: Oh. Alright…

Envy: What's with the smilies?

Ame: I have kumquats in my shoes!

Envy and Ed: ….

Wrath: (spitting out gag) You liar! You're wearing flip-flops! You can't have fruit in your shoes!

Ame: (shifty eyes) I'VE BEEN CAUHT! (runs away screaming)

Al: (running in) Envy you beast! My poor Wrathy-Wathy…

Envy and Ed: Wrathy-Wathy?

Ame: (runs back into room) Pickles?

Everyone:…?

Wrath: Socks taste bad.

Al: Ame would like to thank you for the reviews.

Envy: But she's busy right now.

Ame: (singing) Pickle-covered muffins...and kumquats...dancing monkeys...Bob the chicken...

Everyone: Thanks for reviewing.

Ame: It makes muffins _smile._


	4. The Magnetized Alchemist

A/N: I'm back! And, so you know, my friend DWSF(Dances With Screaming French-fries) came up with the basic idea for this one. She has an account with now…her name is something about zombies(ick!)…

Envy: I thought you were updating _twice_ on Sunday. And you didn't update yesterday either!

Ame: (ignoring Envy) Someone in the reviews asked why we're at war with the muffins…

Ed: Crap.

Ame: (uber serious face) 'Twas seventh grade and break time…(sob)and I was attacked by rabid flesh-eating raisin muffins…

Ed and Envy: …

Ame: (sob) and now…TOASER OVENS ARE ALLIED WITH THEM(dramatically holds up finger)! IT BURNED ME! And that(turning to Envy) is why I didn't update.

Ed: (examining finger) that's at _least_ three weeks old.

Ame: (shifty eyes) Interrogate your _own_ barbecue sauce(runs away)!

Ed: Why's it always us doing the disclaimer?

Envy: (sigh) Whaddya expect from someone like that..?

Ed: Amethyst Blade doesn't own her own sanity…what makes you think she owns us?

Ame: (from somewhere toward back of house) No, Wrath! That's _my_ chicken salad!

Envy: She's in her bedroom…

Wrath: (runs into living room wearing a bra on his head) Does this make my head look fat?

Ed and Envy:…

Ame: (running after him) jadfhf da;hfeI sdfheoai fd;ahosd. That's Muffinese for "Where is Bob?"

Of Chibis and Palm Trees: Chapter Four: Magnetized Alchemist

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Winry Rockbell was many things. She was bright, attractive, intelligent, and, what she thought of as her best quality. She was an amazing mechanic. One thing she was not, was perfect.

So, when fixing Edward's automail, she absent-mindedly placed it beside a magnet.

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At first, the blonde didn't notice anything wrong. Until a small child's pocket-change flew across the train and planted itself firmly on his right arm and left leg. The alchemist stared.

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Once home Ed was nearly skewered with a fork, was attacked by three change-filled socks(one of Wrath's more normal habits), accidentally attracted the pipe and faucet of all sinks in the house, and had an embarrassing attachment to the iron headboard of his bed while being entwined in a very intimate way to Envy.

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_The next day…_

"Fullmetal! Get back here!" Riza Hawkeye was chasing the teenager with fierce fury. Many people wandered why the Lieutenant didn't just shoot the Elric down. Why did she not do this? The Fullmetal Alchemist had her most prized possession on his person. Her gun. And, as Ed was sent flying towards a gasoline truck, she lost all hope of ever seeing it again.

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_Meanwhile, at HQ…_

Roy Mustang was throwing a celebratory barbecue. And he was using his unsigned paperwork as fodder for the fire.

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Ame: Don't know if that's how something gets magnetized or not. But it's fan fiction--so there.

Envy: (giggling) Chibi-san got stuck to the bed while we were--

Ed: Anyway, why do bad things always happen to me?

Envy: What's happened to you? Wrath stole my Lucky Charms©, and you kept being mean and ignoring me.

Ed: I grabbed my superior officer's ass.

Envy: Riiighht.

Ame: Wrath give Megan back! (snatches bra off Wrath's head) It looks better on me anyway(places bra on head).

Everyone: …

Wrath: Amethyst blade would like to apologize for the delay in updating.

Ame: (holds up bottle of ketchup that says "I'm sorry")

Ed: She would also like to thank you for all the reviews.

Ame: (crosses out "I'm sorry" and writes "Thank you" on ketchup bottle) Remember the muffins!

Envy: Next time...wait...Seriously? That's the title?

Ame: Uh-huh.

Ed and Envy: (blushing) Black Lace Panties.

Ame: Untill the time of the where I write again and stuff.

Everyone: ...


	5. Black Lace Panties

A/N: Hello readers--I'm back! Meaning I felt really guilty for not updating on Monday…. Also, this story idea came from when I had a candle-high, and tried to put black lace panties on one of my friend's heads…Well, anyway, if you haven't read my profile yet, I'M DRESSING UP AS ENVY FOR HALLLOWEEN!

Envy: (shudder)

Wrath: Hey, where's Al?

Ed: Come to think of it, I haven't seen him for a couple of days…

Envy: It took you _days_ to notice?

Ed and Wrath: (blushing)

Everyone: (turning to Ame) WHERE'S AL?

Ame: (announcer voice) Alphonse Elric, younger brother of Edward, son of Tricia and Hoenheim was sent Sunday afternoon on a very important mission. Our survival against the muffins depends on his success. (sad face) Take care of your chickens, Alphonse, take care of your chickens.

Everyone: What on Earth!

Al: (rushing into living room) Alright. huff huff I got it.(hands something to Ame)

Ame: Yay! We're saved! The bagel of doom will protect us all!

Everyone: …

Ame: (runs into bathroom and flushes bagel down toilet) Ha-ha! We are victorious!

Al: (shaking in rage) I had to fly all the way to New York, find a specific bagel shop, at a specific time, down to the second! And then you go and flush it down the toilet!

Ame: (turning to Al) You've done a great service to man Alphonse.

Al: (grabbing Ame and running outside) I'll show you a great service to man!

Wrath: (blushing) Wow. Ally-Wally's really mad…

Ed: (sighing) Looks like we're doing the disclaimer again.

Ame: (from outside) No, Alphonse! The mustard had nothing to do with this!

Envy: (also sighing) Amethyst Blade owns clothes just like mine, some DVDs and one twisted brain. She also owns this set of drabbles. She does not, however own (looks down at paper he's been reading off of) penguins. She doesn't own penguins.

Ed: Grr…we shouldn't've let her write it this time…

Envy: I know.

Ame: (running into house in penguin costume) Moo! Moo! Moo! That's penguin for "Eat the turkey! Now, on with the gooooovbu.

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Five: Black Lace Panties

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The homunculus Envy loved his chibi. A lot. But he'd rarely expressed it, besides saying the words and driving Ed senseless in the bedroom. Thus, when Valentine's day came around, the Sin had an idea for something he knew his lover would enjoy _way_ more than any confectionary treat.

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Edward sighed as he closed and locked the bedroom door(locking it was habit). He'd had a very rough day at Headquarters, being forced to investigate multiple disappearances in children over the last seven months. Turned out that a rogue chimera had been responsible, stealing the younglings away and devouring them in a cave outside of town. He'd had one hell of a time killing the deformed creature, before having to bring the cadaver back to Central for the higher-ups to study.

The one thing the blonde wanted desperately right now, was to relax. Envy seemed to sense this; he began to knead the alchemist's shoulders and back gently.

Edward groaned. "Mmmm…Envy, that feels _so_ good right now…"

The palm tree-esque teen grinned, lowering his hands until the were kneading a very tender part of anatomy. "Hey, Chibi-san, d'you remember what today is?"

Ed smiled, snuggling farther back into the Sin's arms, before reaching into his pocket and retrieving a small, heart-shaped box. "Happy Valentine's Day, Envy."

The homunculus's grin widened, as he turned the blonde around and dropped the black robe he wore. "Happy Valentine's Day, Edo. You have the honor of taking these"-- gesture to the filly undergarment-- "off of me. As well as being my _seme_ tonight."

The alchemist's jaw dropped. "I LOVE YOU! OH ENVY! YES!"

_I knew you'd like it._

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Ame: (turning to Ed) That's for complaining that only bad things happen to you.

Ed: (drooling at thought of story) Thanks.

Envy: Hmm…maybe I really should do that for Valentine's Day…

Ed: (sporting a nosebleed) Please do!

Wrath: Weird-os.

Ame: The Muffins _will_ be defeated!

Envy: (reading off of paper again) Next time: Indecent Exposure.

Al: …

Wrath: Thank you for the reviews.

Ame: (nods) Yep. And the pickles.

Ed: They didn't give you pickles…

Ame: (shifty eyes) Reviewing helps the rebellion against the muffins.

Everyone: …


	6. Indecent Exposure

A/N: Yay! Once again, I am back. And I _refuse_ to apologize to Al. I got this idea from an episode of _Reba_. The one where Barbara-Jean's on crutches, and Van has doctored photos of her in skimpy outfits. It made me wonder why no one in Central has ever arrested Envy.

Ed: (staring at Ame)What _are _you wearing?

Ame: A purple leopard-printed leotard with "Muffin Killer" on it. What else would I be wearing?

Envy: Didn't your mom just get through buying you some normal clothes?

Ame: (once again, shifty eyes) Nope. She didn't buy me extremely comfortable bicycle pants and matching tank-tops. Nor did she buy me this really pretty Coca-cola© shirt with Japanese lettering on it.

Wrath: (popping out of Ame's closet) Then why are they hung up in here?

Ame: No! It wasn't me! IT WAS _HIM_(points to Al, then runs away)!

Envy: Damn. We have to do the disclaimer again.

Wrath and Al: (suddenly need to do something else)

Ed: sigh Did she write up another one?

Envy: (grumbling) Yeah. "I own all of the pretty chicken salad. It is my best friend. Until one day, Alphonse Elric stole it…" More nonsense.

Ed: With as insane as she is, do you really think she could come up with as intricate a plot as ours is?

Ame: (jumping through open window) A reviewer gave me a pickle! I'd be able to prove it, but…(sad face) The muffins stole him for interrogation purposes.

Wrath: (walking back in room with sandwich) That's not true! You ate it!

Ame: (shifty eyes of doom) Did not! He was kidnapped! Hey, what's that you're eating?

Wrath: Dunno. Some kinda lunchmeat that was in a bowl in the fridge…

Ame: …NOOOOOOO! Tommy! YOU ATE TOMMY! He was my best friend…sob I'll never forgive you Alphonse!

Wrath: Uh, my name's not Al. He's in the kitchen. I'm Wrath. Remember?

Ame: (angry) How am I supposed to remember every apple that comes into my house and starts murdering cookies for their evil plans?

Wrath: She thinks I'm an apple?

Ame: (turning to readers) In this, our hour of grief, I'm sure Tommy would have wanted us to….PARTY OUR BRAINS OFF!

Everyone:…

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Six: Indecent Exposure

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Envy, the eldest of Dante's Seven Sins, prided himself on many things. One of which was his unique sense of style. Envy's motto was, "If you've got it, then show it," and he certainly did show it. It took a lot to make mass murderers like Barry the Chopper blush, but it's some thing that the homunculus accomplished with a great deal of ease. He was also very talented at making a certain blonde alchemist do the same. As well as all of the nosebleeds he caused random pimps.

No one had ever told Envy the way he dressed was inappropriate, nor had anyone ever knocked his style. That is until today.

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A blue-uniformed police officer smiled politely at Envy, who raised a delicate moss-colored eyebrow. "Excuse me ma'am, but did you know that you're in a public decency violation?"

Envy smiled genially. "Why yes, officer d-head, I was quite aware. I would also like to point out that you don't seem to mind," the Sin murmured, with I gesture toward the officer's crotch.

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Edward Elric had only been working for one hour when he received a phone call from his lover. "Hi, Envy, is everything alright?"

A soft sob came from the other end of the phone. "No, Chibi-san, it's not. I've been arrested for 'Public Indecency' and 'Harassment of an Officer of the Peace' Could you come get me please?"

From where he was standing behind the Colonel's desk, the blonde dropped the phone, before passing out cold on the hard, office floor.

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Ame: Once again, it's short, but that's the point of drabbles.

Envy: (fuming)

Ame: (suddenly grabbing noise-maker) wheeee Thank you for helping the SSS with their annual benefit! We have currently raised one stolen pickle!

Wrath: SSS?

Ame: The Secret Society of Spam. It's my organization. If any reviewers would like to join, please inform me!

Everyone: …

Ame: Well, See ya when there is more of the--and then that--One ring to rule them all…

Envy: sigh Looks like she won't be coherent for a while…

Ed: Thank you for reviewing. It is greatly appreciated.

Wrath: When her brains return, she'll update, and try and write a more serious story.

Ame: afjel! I loves _all_ of the pygmy goats!


	7. ChocolateCoated Sin

A/N: Yes, I realize that I've been lazy lately. But, as the authoress, I have the right to sleep all day(feel guilty), invite a friend over(feel guilty), have a long, relaxing(guilty) bath, and make chicken salad(that, I don't feel guilty about; it's delicious!) But I did have time to think about future stories that I'll be writing--and maybe some one-shots.

I plan on writing two AU (Alternate Universe) which will both be Mpreg, two normal FMA stories with Mpreg(yay!), a Kyou Kara Maou story(also Mpreg!), a FMA/HP cross over(the HP characters will only have hetero pairings) that has the possibility of being Mpreg, and maybe a Naruto story. If you have a one-shot request for something, let me know(I can't make it into a full-blown story).

Envy: Who exactly's getting pregnant?

Ame: Well…one of the AU has you pregnant, the other has Ed, I might make Wrath pregnant…

Wrath: (falls over in dead faint)

Ame: Then, the normal FMA ones…you're pregnant, and Ed is in the other one…

Envy: Why do I have to be pregnant?

Ed: Because I'm not gonna be the only one!

Envy: I still don't like it…

Ame: (looking at future story lemon scenes) Says you get to have hot bunny sex…

Envy: (grinning) Now that's what I'm talking about!

Ame: (runs into kitchen for chicken salad) You guys go ahead and do the disclaimer, 'kay?

Envy: Yeah, yeah…you didn't write this while you were crazy, did you?

Ame: Can't remember…

Ed: (looking at disclaimer) Yeah…she did.

Envy: (reading off of paper) "The little muffin children dance in the wind. Their beauty captivates me…I know I must kill them soon…and yet…" What utter nonsense.

Ed: (sighing) If she owned us, either Envy or I would be knocked up 24/7...I don't have kids; draw your own conclusions.

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Seven: Chocolate-Coated Sin

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Wrath, the youngest of the Seven Sins, had some very unusual habits. Mostly the strange acts were carried out at Dante's underground mansion. But, after Ed proclaimed his love for Envy, Wrath had moved in with the brothers as well. Therefore, some abnormalities had to be conducted at the Elric residence. Such as the one he was currently involved in.

The homunculus sighed loudly as he slipped into the bathtub. _Ah, perfect…Now, if only Al were home, we c--_ The Sin was cut off as his lover announced his presence from downstairs.

"Where are you, Wrath?"

The small brunette blushed a light shade of scarlet before answering. "I'm upstairs--in the bathroom." Yahoo! Al was home; and Ed and Envy were not. Some time alone in the house would be unbelievably romantic….

"WHAT THE--?!" The youngest Elric stared in shock at his half-submerged boyfriend. "Wrath, why the hell are you taking a bath in chocolate?"

"Oh…um…it's just one of those things I like to do…I'm sorry; does it bug you?"

At this Alphonse laughed. "No, you look adorable…actually its kinda kinky, you know?"

Wrath grinned. That was the reaction he'd been hoping for.

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_Two hours later_

"Wrath, you little bastard! You're damn chocolate's solid now! What're we supposed to do for a bath?!"

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Ame: In case you were wondering, yes I know Al probably wouldn't curse. But, in my fic, he's older, so I decided should (that goes for the "it's kinda kinky" part too). By the way, that's Envy yelling.

Wrath: (he regained consciousness) Finally some AlxWrath!

Envy: (staring) Two hours? Seriously? The longest Chibi and me have ever gone at it is--

Ed: Please don't say it.

Ame: Whaddya think reader/reviewer peoples? You don't have to review, but it makes chickens dance.

Wrath: (reading off of sheet of paper) Amethyst Blade would like to thank her reviewers and those that donated pickles. "They've been a big help." How can pickles be a big help?

Ame: (suddenly crazy again) Poofoof! The emigrational police stole the umbrellas! What will Mexico do?!

Everyone:…

Envy: Should've expected that. It doesn't last long….ever.

Wrath: Sorry for the delay. Starting next week, updates will only be twice a week, maybe fewer, because she'll be working on other stories…

Ame: Goods-Bye, Mr. Floss, have a happy squiggle-monkey!


	8. Watering the Palm Tree

A/N: Yes, I'm back! I know I made a mistake in the last chapter, but I'm not going to fix it for one simple reason: I'm lazy. Today I bought the first volume of Chibi-san Rules the World(as in FMA, vol. 1). Wahh! Hughes wasn't in there…I wanted to see snap-shots(reviewers shudder), but 'twas still good. Just so you know, I was inspired for this piece by (drum roll) MY SHOWER YESTERDAY!

Envy: Freak.

Ame: You want me to make another fic of you pregnant.

Envy: (shuddering) I didn't say a thing…not a thing…

Ame: Good! I bought another Tsubasa today too--vol. 6. Makona's so awesome! And several people--not gonna say who--became intoxicated…

Everyone: …

Wrath: When're you're other fics coming out?

Ame: When they're finished. Right now, they're just ideas. But soon, very soon(cue evil laughter)…they will rise from the dust and destroy the muffin kingdom!

Everyone: …

Ame: (looking around with shifty eyes) Who're you to judge me?!(jumps out open window)

Envy: Too bad it's only a one-story house…

Ed: (nods in agreement) Then we could've escaped some of those mpregs…

Wrath: Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't she post stories by _chapter_?

Ed: Yeah, why?

Wrath: Her first chapter's gonna be that long?

Envy: More like she's being lazy.

Wrath: Why's she writing lemons before the stories themselves?

Envy: I'm not complaining. (big, suggestive grin) Chibi 'n' I've already learned our parts…

Ed: (red as ketchup) Envy!

Envy: Right, right. The disclaimer(reading off of paper) "The froggies cannot hurt me; I am protected by SPAM©, and it inspires me so. I believe I'm starting to fall in love with my guardian…" Wow. That's scarier than usual.

Wrath: She can't draw a straight line; trust me. So, she doesn't own us.

Ame: (jumping back in through window) Start the pie-baking process!

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Eight: Watering the Palm Tree

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The Sin of Envy, formerly the son of Dante and Hoenheim Elric, was plotting. What was he plotting about? Our favorite blonde chibi, of course. Lately, the teenager had been engaged in a strange ritual involving water. What was this ritual? It was called "showering," and the alchemist performed it at least once a day.

Naturally, seeing as homunculi didn't smell like humans did, the Sin had never heard of such an occurrence before. Envy was completely stumped. Why would anyone willingly stand naked under hot water? But it couldn't be all bad; the act did, after all, involve a naked Ed. Therefore, the homunculus decided to observe what the "shower" entailed (a naked chibi's kinda hard to pass up).

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The Fullmetal Alchemist sighed, leaning back, so that he was directly under the spray. That was probably the reason why he didn't hear the door slide open. Ed sighed once more, running his hands through his loose, damp locks. "Mmm…what shampoo..?" The blonde began to sift through sweet-smelling bottles.

"Ne, Chibi, the one that smells like lavender. I like it when you smell like that."

"Okay Envy…I'll…" It took all of three seconds before: "What the hell are you doing in my shower?!"

The palm tree-like Sin grinned. "1-I wanted to see what a shower was. 2-there's a naked chibi in here. 3-it's wet in here. 4-there's a _wet,_ naked chibi taking a _shower_ in here."

"But, Envy this is my private ti--mmph!" "Mmph," being, of course, the response to a kiss.

_Maybe "showers" aren't so bad, after all, _the four hundred-year-old thought, as he did something that made Ed say a lot more than just "mmph".

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Ame: Sooooo…Leaves and Acorns, what'd ya thinka that?

Wrath: (sighing) "Leaves and Acorns," huh?

Envy: I'm happy with whatever goes on if I get to screw my chibi.

Ed: (blushing and indignant)…

Wrath: Next time: When Chibis Attack: the Edward Elric Story.

Ed: WTF?!

Ame: Only I, the great Muffini, know the answer…..(scary pshychic noises)

Everyone: M'kaaaay….

Wrath: Reviews are greatly appreciated, though not necessarily needed, though they do make the author guilty, and, therefore, update faster. Thank you for the reviews.

Ame: (waving) Hiya, loyal fans. There are no public restrooms available at the moment; please pee after the beep(makes beeping sound).

Everyone: Yuck! That's gross!

Ame: (starts doodling badly) Please stop by again; we enjoy you're business and it helps spread the word about our new resturant.

Everyone: …

Ame: (look of utter horror and shock) Naruto didn't come on tonight! WHHHYYYYYYYY?!


	9. When Chibis Attack: The Ed E Story

A/N: Yup, I know it's been a full week since my last update. Why, you ask? One word: _SCHOOL. _Yes, I'm in school now…off of fall break…and detesting every minute of it. I've felt terribly guilty for taking gigantic naps every weekday, as well as for running off yesterday and shopping. So, to help my conscious, I've decided to update twice today! And, seeing as there was some confusion in the last chapter, when I said that I was "the Great Muffini," I meant that I was psychic--yup! Oh, and thank you to everyone who's reviewed. Everybody wants to review Mokona!

Envy: You _aren't_ Mokona.

Ame: (points at Mokona costume) Yes I am! I'm Mokona Modoki! Yay!

Everyone: …

Ame: I bought lots of books yesterday! Loveless vol. 3, Tokyo Babylon vol. 3, Demon Diary vol. 1, Gravitation vol. 11, Tsubasa vol. 7, 8, and (I thought I had vol. 9) 10, and a book for my friend(her birthday's coming up soon). Walden's was having a buy three get one free sale!

Ed: That's nice.

Ame: Yup! 'Twas awesome! And spam with eggs!

Everyone: (sigh)

Ame: So, erm, me gonna give disclaimer…pickles like to dance in the rain; I never know what type of fudge to eat.

Wrath: Her mind's too messed up to come up with something as good as FMA.

Al: (suddenly comes flying in) BITCH!

Wrath: Hey, Ally, how come you're all dirty? And why've you been gone so long?

Al: "How come you're all dirty?" "Why've you been gone so long?"

Ame: Yup, Mr. Cheese, that's what he said.

Al: (turning to Ame with evil glare) BITCH! You're the reason I've been gone so long! Normally I'm a peaceful person, but anyone would crack around you! Sending me crazy place for useless things! I got lost in the woods!

Envy: But the woods behind her house aren't very big.

Al: I got lost in CANADA! She sent me to Canada for a pop can! I had to eat my underpants to survive!

Ame: Cool! Me wanna eat undies too! (Grabs Ed and starts to strip him)

Ed: What the hell're you doing?!

Ame: Eating your unders.

Ed: If you wanna eat 'em, go eat your own!

Ame: But Chibers! I wear briefs! It's not the same! (starts sobbing hysterically)

Envy: You bitch! Get the hell away from my chibi! I'm the only one allowed to touch him there!

Ame: But Envy! There isn't any shampoo in my hair!

Everyone: (start arguing about nonsense)

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Nine: When Chibis Attack: The Edward Elric Story

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It was a well known fact among the people of Central that Edward Elric had a very short fuse that was connected to a very large explosive. The alchemist was constantly being made fun of due to his short--

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Ed: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A CHIHUAHUA THAT YAPS WAY INTO THE NIGHT AND KEEPS THE ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD AWAKE?!

Ame: Spoot! It said no chicken's worth about that!

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--stature and reacted according to what he believed the culprit deserved, which was at least a good scolding or, at most, a strong kick in the crotch. There were only four people in the world that were impervious to the yells and screams: Colonel Roy Mustang, Izumi Curtis, Winry Rockbell, and last, but most importantly, the Sin of Envy. Envy seemed to actually thrive from the loud cries and enjoyed it when the chibi complained.

So, at times, he would purposely aggravate his love. Examples being: "Ne, where's my little Edo?" "Short is as short does." "Miss, can you hem this please; they're for a chibi."

Even as a child, Ed had been very height conscious. His mother had always soothed his worries, explaining that because Hoenheim was tall, it reasoned that his sons would also be tall. Now his mother was dead and he thought of his father as a bastard. So, to subdue his chibi's worries, Envy had devised the perfect plan.

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_SLAM!_ Edward was pissed off. "Damn Bastard Colonel… 'short as a French fry'…I'll show him…short my ass…"

Envy sighed sadly. _Poor Chibi-san; that damn Mustang insulted him again. _"Ne, Ch--Edward. Come here, sweetie." That had been a close call; if he'd said "Chibi," the blonde would've come at him with raised fists.

"Whatdya want, Envy?" the alchemist asked tiredly.

"I love you, Edward."

At this the teen looked up in surprise. Then, a large smile formed on his face; even if no one else did, Envy cared. "Love you too."

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Ame: Aw…cuddlies!

Everyone: …

Ame: (singing)

My feet were made to fly

In the sky

They'll carry me high

Where I can't die

Even if I try-ai-ai

My feet were made to fly!

Envy: Crazy bitch.

Ame: (looking around) I don't see any blue sweaters…bubble gum is sticky.

Everyone: (sighing)

Wrath: Even though she's off her rocker--

Ame: Rock-a-bye chicken in the tree tops…

Wrath: --she's a good writer so please review.

Ame: You review, and you receive(dramatic background music) an electronic spork!

Everyone: …

Wrath: Next time: Chibi's Anatomy.

Ed: WTF?! Why's that the title?

Ame: I'm only the author; I don't write the story.

Everyone: YES YOU DO!

Ame: Really? (giggles) M'kay…better get crackin', huh?


	10. Chibi's Anatomy

A/N: Hiya, hiya! I'm back…I've been gone three whole seconds…yay! And, in case you're wondering, yes, many of my stories will involve underwear. And, if you've watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy© where Ms. Oh performs a strip tease, then you'll totally get my inspiration. Just so you know I may be doing other Ed's 16th birthday stories in my drabbles. Dunno; depends on whatever pops into my head. On another note, no one's requested any one-shots! Me is super-uber horrified! Maybe you people just don't like one-shots? If you want full stories though, you're gonna haveta wait. I have so many other stories I'm planning….Oh! If you want me to post the InuYasha story I started writing last year, then please inform me. Just know that the story isn't a main priority and won't be until I've finished all of my other stories. So, it won't be updated for like, a year--but I can type and post what I already have…Seeing as we had the Envy, Wrath, Ed, Al thing just a little while before, I'm just going to skip it!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Ame: Shut your mouths pudding people! On with the story!

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Ten: Chibi's Anatomy

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Edward Elric was sixteen today! Yay! Happy occasion, right? It would be if the chibi alchemist had not broken his leg and fractured his ankle on his previous mission. Poor Ed was forced to stay still and do absolutely nothing, which was, to say the least, annoying. So, to let loose some of his steam, the blonde was continuously glaring at his nurses and, once, kicked a male nurse in the crotch(was the guy's own fault for mistaking him as a girl and trying to feel him up.

Edward was, therefore, unbelievably pleased when his lover called and announced that he was coming by for a visit. Little did Ed know, he was in for much more than a visit.

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"Uh, Envy, honey, what's with the trench coat?"

The Sin grinned seductively, tossing the garment to the side, revealing a tight red thong. He then proceeded, with equal sexiness, to lock the door. Ed gulped. Being aroused with a cast on was most definitely not on his to-do list.

Envy's smile widened as he straddled the blonde whispering, "I've turned off the call button; no one can here you scream."

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Ame: So that's that… most likely won't update until the weekend. Wish me luck with sewing my pillow tomorrow! And review, please; it makes me dance inside. And, yup, I know it's extra short. Sorry(insert little tear of guilt).


	11. A Meow in the Night

A/N: Erm….Yeah. I know I haven't updated in a really long time…at least four weeks. So I would like to deeply apologize for that. It isn't like I've been especially busy or anything; I fully intended (by way of guilt) to update _last _Saturday…but then some other stuff happened…so--um--yeah. You don't have to worry about me getting rid of the dialogue; that was just because I updated twice. I also lost the costume contest. First place went to a guy dressed as Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. (starts grumbling to self) That was $50 down the drain(1st place prize was $50).… (sigh) Oh well; "No use crying over spilt milk."

Ed: (shudders) Milk…ugh…

Envy: (grinning) Chibi-san still hates milk.

Ed: Of course I hate it! Th-that stuff's awful! So white and-and liquidy….ugh…gross…

Ame: And (twirls around while sticking tongue out) there's a contest! Yay!

Wrath: What kinda contest?

Ame: The Guess the Authoress's Bra Size Contest!

Everyone: (shuddering)

Ed: That's worse than milk!

Ame: Okay then…how about…guess what color underwear I'm wearing?!

Envy: Um…I'm gonna say _no_.

Ame: (sniffling) Then a Guess My Country Contest?

Envy and Ed: (consulting each other) Yeah, that should be okay.

Ame: YAY! Whoever can guess what country I'm in will receive… (drum roll) an electronic donut! Yay!

Everyone: …

Ame: Oh! And please do e-mail those one-shot requests! E-mail makes me giggle! One of my friends wanted me to change her name on here. So, if you look in my profile, you'll find the name change. Well, I guess that's it…Yay!

Wrath: What about the books and movie you got?

Ame: Oh--yeah! I now have Fullmetal Chibi: Conqueror of Chibiland! Yay!

Envy: In English, that's "Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shambala."

Ame: I also bought FMA volumes 2, 3, 7, and 8 (couldn't find any others at the store), as well as Tsubasa volumes 9 and 11, Legal Drug 1 and 2, Gravitation 12, and Time Lag. Yay!

Ed: Are you going to keep ending all of your paragraphs with "Yay!"?

Ame: Nope! Yay!

Everyone: ...

Wrath: If she owned us...well it would be a _really_ twisted world.

Ame: Time for Spoot-y-spoot-spoot! Yay!

Everyone: (sighing) …

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Eleven: A Meow in the Night

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Alphonse Elric was fond of many things….Cake, baths, Wrath (authoress starts giggling and poking Wrath)…but what he was most fond of (excluding above listed homunculus) were kitties. Yep, kitties. I mean, what's not to like about cats?--they're soft, cuddly; they purr…Okay claws and litter-boxes weren't that great, but still…. So, whenever Al discovered an abandoned little fluff-ball in some dark alleyway, he just couldn't resist the urge to kid --(or, more accurately)-- cat-nap the animal. This did not make other occupants of their house happy--especially Envy.

Therefore, on the night in question, when the alchemist discovered a dirty, frizzy little thing on his way home from shopping, he couldn't help the typical Alphonse Elric Response; taking the feline home with him.

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Wrath sighed as he tip-toed out of the bathroom that he and Al shared. _Well, _I_ think I look cute. Time to test that theory_. The little brunet had to cover his mouth to shush his giggles. _Ally's asleep…he looks so cute. _Another soft sigh. The Sin quietly walked over to the sleeping blonde. He couldn't help grinning as he bounced onto the bed. Not expecting anything but a very surprised Alphonse the teenager received the shock of his life.

"MMMRRRROOOWWW!"

"WHAT THE HELL, AL?!"

"Erm, hi Wrath," the blonde murmured with a blush. "Wrath, this is Chocolate Sauce. Chocolate Sauce, this is Wrath. I sorta found him on my way back from the store."

"Uh-huh, I see. Now please get him out of this room, so I can make love to my boyfriend."

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"It's watchin' me, Chibi-san!"

The oldest Elric sighed. "Envy, he's not even looking in your direction."

"Yeah, it is! W-watch it Chibi! Those yellow eyes…they're so creepy!"

"Wait a minute, Envy." A thought had suddenly occurred to the fifteen-year-old. "Are you--afraid of cats?"

The answer to this question shall never be known.

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Ame: I, personally, didn't like it. I just think I could've done more. But it might be good; I'm too hungry to know--not paying much attention. And, yes, Wrath's on top!

Wrath: (standing there blushing)

Envy: How _dare_ you even _suggest_ that I'm afraid of something as small as a kitten!

Ame: Uh-huh. Now, I'm off to find something to eat. I'll fix my profile too. I'll update sooner, promise! Ba-Bye!

Ed: Is it just me, or is she unusually normal today?


	12. The Delights of a Sunday

A/N: Hiya! It's currently like 10:30 p.m., and I can't get on the internet tonight (gotta get up early in the morning), so I'm gonna post this tomorrow, which will be today for you guys. I've had time to think (yes, despite popular belief, I do, indeed, have a brain) and I've thought up a new update and maybe another one too…dunno yet. I've also come up with a new story idea--which I don't need. Also, hardly anyone tried to guess my country, so I'm gonna keep the contest going for at least another week. On another note, I'm trying to bribe my mom with chores so that she'll buy me a whole bunch of yaoi manga for Christmas. Yup! It's super awesome. But, sadly, if she buys all of the ones I want, it'll total around $200. I doubt I can do that many chores.

Envy: Definitely livin' the dream.

Ame: (starts pouting)

Wrath: Yaoi's the naughty stuff between two guys that you read, right?

Ame: Not all of it's naughty!

Ed: (looking through Ame's manga collection) Most of what _you've_ got is.

Ame: (shifty eyes) I read it for the articles.

Everyone?

Envy: That only works for _guys_ who're reading _Playboy©. _

Ame: Pizza Hut™!

Everyone: (sighs)

Ame: (jumping up and down) I was inspired for this by eating an ice-cream!

Ed: (twitching) Do I even _wanna_ know?

Ame: Nope! Time for the Pilates© lessons!

Everyone: …

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Twelve: The Delights of a Sunday.

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Envy enjoyed many things about "Chibi-life" (that's what he called it). One such thing was ice-cream. It was creamy, cold, sugary, and very lickable. Actually, it was quite similar to one Edward Elric, whom happened to be the Sin's lover. Yup, ice-cream was very delicious indeed. Especially sundays. Caramel sundays, strawberry sundays, blueberry sundays (WTF?). Then there was Envy's favorite: _chocolate_ (Yum!).

But something unfortunate about sundays was the fact that they contained milk. Envy himself didn't mind this, but the afore mentioned Edward did. Milk frightened him beyond belief--no one knew exactly why. Suffice to say he disliked it. And that meant he was very suspicious of anything that contained the despicable liquid. As suspicious as some food stuffs were, as long as it wasn't milk, Ed would probably eat it. Ice-cream was the exception. "It's white! It's frozen milk! Get it away! Get it away!" Not a pleasant reaction, was it? But the homunculus fully intended to change that.

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"What are you doing?" The alchemist inquired, staring at the frozen treat in front of him.

"I've made you a chocolate sunday, Chibi-san! It also has caramel, pecans, whipped cream, and a cherry on top! Eat it, Chibi!" The Sin grinned and popped a spoon into the bowl.

"Envy, I told you, I don't eat anything that so closely resembles milk. So, please move thi--MMMPPHHFF!" Golden eyes widened in shock as a spoon full of the substance was shoved down his throat. The lovely eyes became even larger as Edward realized that what he was choking on actually tasted good. No, not good, better than good--amazing!

"So, whaddya think, Edo? Good isn't it?"

Response: "I _love _you!"

"Erm, thanks, Chibi." The cross-dresser certainly hadn't been expecting that. "Love you too."

"No, not you--I'm talking to the ice-cream."

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Ame: Yay! Funny, huh?

Everyone: …

Wrath: Why _does_ Ed hate milk?

Envy: Yeah, I've been wondering about that too.

Ame: Chibbers?

Ed: It'snotanyone'sbusinesswhyIhatewhatIhate.

Envy and Wrath: Okaaaaay.

Ame: Look at my toe! Look!

Everyone: …

Wrath: Hey, where's Al?

Ame: (shifty eyes) Cornucopias are not purple! Leave it alone! Makona needs its privacy!

Envy: Review if you want. If you do, please inform the authoress that she is not a CLAMP manga character.

Wrath: And thank you to all af the people who've already reviewed. Please continue to guess the country.

Ame: I have a hint too! Chickens!

Ed: How's "chickens" a hint?

Ame: (shifty eyes) Why do you think there's bacon in my pants?!

Everyone: (sighs of exasperation) ...

Wrath: (sobbing) I miss Al!


	13. The Healing Powers of Envy

A/N: I'm deeply hated, aren't I? Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I know, I know, I'm awful, aren't I? Not updating for weeks and weeks! Awful, I'm so awful. I make people wait forever for an update and it isn't even a long one…Again, sorry! I fully intended to update on Saturday, but I had a docter's appointment, so I was gone most of the day (if I'm gonna be out, why not shop, right? I was working on a Kyo Kara Maou one-shot that I might not even post if I don't like it. I ordered a whole bunch of manga! I also have KKM volumes 1, 2, and 4(don't ask)! Originally this was an idea I had for another KKM one-shot, but because I hadn't updated this in a while, I decided to switch things around and add it to OPTC. So, erm, yeah.

I also have favorites up now--but not Dark Humor, which should be up there too…I was just too stupid to click the button for Favorites, though I might have clicked Story Alert--I'm really weird, right? Oh, yeah, thanks for everybody who put me on their Alert and Favorite lists! Thank 'ums! I finally figured out that I can reply to reviews--super stupid, right? Not realizing that the button marked "REPLY" sends a response--that's me. Therefore, from now on, if you review, I'm gonna send something back. I'll try to personalize everything so that you won't just get a simple "Thank you."

And someone won my contest! Woo-hoo! Con gradulations to DaRLinG1357! You win the electronic donut! I live in Usa! Whoo!

Envy: You idiot. You like in the U--S--A; not _Usa_!

Ame: (cocks head to the side) This is about guinnea pigs?

Ed: (twitching) SO NOW I'M A FRIGGING GUINNEA PIG, HUH? WELL YOU'RE AN IMBACILE! HOW'S THAT?!

Ame: I like cookies better.

Wrath: You said you ate all the cookies! You're evil! EVIL! (pounces on Ame)

Ame: AHHHH! Get it off! GET IT OFF! Bad chicken! Don't treat your mommy like that!

Wrath: You're not my mom! (bites) I was created by alchemy! Give me the cookies, Bitch! (starts chewing on Ame)

Ame: But there never was a goose! No! NOOOOOOO!

Wrath and Ame: (scuffling and arguing)

Envy: (turning to Ed) What's up with her and poultry anyway?

Ed: She claims Mokona is a type of bird, so she thinks she can fly. Something about his ears being wings. (sigh) Why can't I get paid for working for her? Arakawa pays me…

Envy: Yeah, but the FMA manga's rated T, so you and I don't get to do the dirty…and in there everyone's basically straight…

Ed: (blushing about "dirty" comment)

Envy: My chibi is so _cute! _

Ed: Seeing as I get a cut from Arakawa, she's my owner--not Amethyst Blade. She gets paid nothing, therefore _we _get paid nothing. It sucks.

Envy: That's the disclaimer?

Ed: Yup. That's it. Ame's also working on getting a website set up, so that she can write her stories' lemons and post them there. She wanted to tell you this but… (turns to look at quacking!Ame fighting pissed!Wrath)

Envy: Al's still MIA. Lucky.

Ame: Quack! One of my friends gave me his duck for Christmas! Quack! Quack!

Envy: "Gave me his duck." Is that something dirty?

Ed: No. He really gave her a duck--a wooden duck. _His--_the duck's--name is Marie Antoinnette.

Ame: Yup! Thanks Evil Dictator of the Mushroom People! I LUVS my duck!

Everyone: (super twitching)

Ame: Well, let's get to the show. Everyone in the car!

Envy: Idiot.

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Thirteen: The Healing Powers of Envy

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The Sin of Envy really wasn't that envious--at least, not any more. After all, he had Edward Elric, Chibi of the People. What else could he possibly want? The homunculus truly loved the blonde--and he insisted on showing it at least once a day. However, Envy's idea of "showing" usually included various acts of a sexual nature. Considering how sore he was, Edward didn't really feel that loved. Envy decided to remedy this.

How, you might ask? Visit Chibi at Work Day. Of course, he intended to do inappropriate things on the alchemist's superior officer's desk. Ed wouldn't be able to walk straight, but that wasn't really the Sin's problem, was it? It didn't really occur him that this wasn't a good idea (or that the whole overly horniness was what caused his visit in the first place), so he hauled his skort-clad self out the door for some good old-fashioned Chibi-fun.

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Envy paused outside of the office marked: ROY MUSTANG--COL. He could've sworn he heard something. Wait a minute. There it was again.

"MMM! Ah-ah! W-wait a minute--hurts!" Definintely Edward.

Soft laughter. "C'mon Fullmetal, stop being such a baby. This's happened before, hasn't it?"

"Ye-yeah…but normally _Envy_ does it. Q-quit it!"

Stare. More staring. Continous staring. _WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING TO MY CHIBI-SAN?! THAT BASTARD! GET AWAY! THAT'S _MY_ CHIBI!_

"D-don't you think it's w-wet enough? It h-hurts!"

"You already said that it's happened before. What's different this time?"

"This is bigger than Envy's…" A soft whimper. "Mmm…please hurry up…it _hurts_!"

Okay, that was the last straw. The green-haired homunculus burst through the door angrily. He was about to tackle that bastard military officer--then stopped. "What the hell?"

The blonde looked up from the desk he was sitting on, a pitiful expression on his face. "Envy, will you bandage my knee? This idiot uses the wrong type of Band-Aids; these really huge ones…and he put _way _too much antiseptic on it! You do it best!"

Maybe it was better if Chibi-Day waited until said chibi arrived home from work.

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Ame: Funny, ne? Me thinks so--but Makona isn't the reader--it's biased.

Wrath: (munching on cookie) She's so crazy, yet her baked goods are delicious.

Envy: It's called insane genius. Don't question it.

Ed: Winry's similar--great with automail, but completely insane.

Winry: (suddenly popping out of the closet) Alchemy freak! Get over here, ya bastard! (swings wrench threateningly)

Ed: (suddenly remembers a nonexistent dentist's appointment) I gotta go! (runs away)

Envy: I didn't like the story. As if I'd ever think my Chibi-san was cheating.

Ame: But you won't have breakfast with me! Why, Monica, _why_?!

Envy and Wrath: …

Ame: Please review--if you want. Even if I don't get any reviews, I'll continue to post; I like to. But reviews make me feel special. Really special. So there.

Envy: Edo's right; we should get paid for this type of madness.

Ame: Madnes! Yay! I'm a Hoot-Owl! Hoot hoot! Was it too short? I must know!


	14. The Sin of Perversion

A/N: Hehe. Sorry; I know I haven't updated. I think the last time was before Christmas (authoress attempts to hide from disappointed readers, but fails miserably). And around that time, the e-mail caught the stupid. I'm very sorry if I gave this potentially life-threatening disease to your computer. Then again, it could have come from anything on right? That makes me feel so much better.

Anyway, it's seven in the morning and I'm up about three hours too early for a Saturday. Regardless, I can't sleep. Therefore, I thought that I would write a new chapter. Oh, anyone heard of Love Pistols? I want it; a manga that actually has Mpreg! Yahoo! I would also like to have Enzai: Falsely Accused--but for that I have to have: 1. More money 2. My mom's permission (it's rated A).

Ed: You do realize that she probably won't approve of you playing that, don't you?

Ame: But Guys is so cute! Poor Guys; he get raped lots….

Wrath: If that happens, then _why_ exactly do you want it?

Ame: For the pretty pictures, of course!

Everyone: Ooookaaay.

Envy: Why haven't you finished your stories yet? Or at least one chapter?

Ame: (catches bad case of shifty eyes) The mushrooms are _not_ the boss of me!

Ed: She's afraid that she'll get thrown off if she puts in lemons without a proper link, despite the fact that many people do it and that she herself dislikes having to use links for the whole story.

Envy: She's strange. Lots of people just put up warnings.

Ed: When's she ever been normal?

Wrath: (pointing to the door) Yay! Al's back!

Ame: Why, hello there Alphonse. Would you care for a biscuit?

Envy: To offer them, don't you actually have to have biscuits first?

Ed: I don't think that matters to her.

Al: (growling) I thought you'd sent me on stupid missions before, but this one's the worst!

Wrath: (consolingly patting Al's shoulder) What was it this time Ally-Wally?

Al: I had to get mangos.

Envy: That doesn't seem so bad.

Al: From Greenland.

Envy: Oh.

Ed: (turning to Ame) Why Greenland?

Ame: I had to get them from their native environment.

Ed: (twitching) Don't mangos grow in tropical places?

Wrath: And can't you just get them at a supermarket?

Ame: (ignoring Wrath's question) Precisely why I sent him to Greenland! (very smug) 'Tis green there!

Envy: She's being an idiot again.

Ame: I have five toes on each foot.

Ed: (tying not to blow blood vessel) Yes, yes you do.

Wrath: (still patting Al) Where'd you get them then?

Al: I figured as long as I had a credit card, I'd get them from somewhere else. Those Bahamavention ads are right. It's really relaxing there.

Wrath: (bursting into tears) Why didn't you take me too? I love you Ally! I wanna go skinny-dipping in the ocean!

Envy: That actually sounds like fun. (turning to Ed with evil smirk) What'dya say to going on a vacation with me Chibi?

Ame: Ed can't go anywhere. He has to wash all of my friend's thongs. He promised.

Ed: (livid) When did I do that?

Ame: In my head at two o'clock yesterday. You, me, and the Dwarves of Nimamamamama were talking about parachutes and you volunteered.

Wrath: (attacking Ame) You're wrong! Dwarves don't exist!

Ame: Noooooooo! _You're _wrong! They shined my shoes and walked my dog!

Wrath: You don't have a dog!

Ame: Yes I do! He's purple with green spots and he sings children's songs!

Envy: Er…isn't that Barney©? Ya know, the guy in the Dinosaur costume?

Ame: (extra shifty eyes) His name is Francesca.

Al: (walking off) I'm going to bed.

Wrath: Wait for me Ally! I wanna do naughty stuff! I missed you sooooo much!

Al: Missed you too. Let's double lock the door. (two go toward the back of the house together)

Ed: Hey, Envy, why don't we have two locks?

Envy: Dunno. But they've got the right idea. (starts singing a song he wrote called "Screwing my chibi")

Ed: (the color of an apple)

Ame: Nope! You have to do the disclaimer!

Envy: AmethystBladedoesnotownFullmetalAlchemistoranythinginrelationtorightsorproduction. I'mgoingtoscrewmychibinow. (grabs a protesting Ed which he then pulls towards their bedroom)

Ame: I didn't know Envy could fly. (starts squawking and flapping wings)

DWSOP: (walking into house and observing scene) I told those four not to leave her alone…..C'mon honey. (leads Ame towards the couch)

Ame: Yay! Fluzz-fluzz is here! Fluzz-fluzz fry me some flip-flops please. They go good with mangos.

DWSOP: (practiced in the art of not listening to insanity) Sure honey. First you have to announce the story.

Ame: Okay! Bacon is in my pants. It feels weird. A nice kind of weird. The story does not involve any bacon.

DWSOP: (shakes head sadly)

Chapter Fourteen: The Sin of Perversion

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Edward Elric was seriously pissed. And, of course, everyone in the general vicinity was giving him a wide berth. This was most assuredly due to the fact that many of the citizens of Central had witnessed what a pissed Edward was capable of. It was certainly nothing pleasant, and would most likely be quite painful for the poor sap that just happened to be in the path of this terrible event. It's a given that no one spoke to the alchemist until he was home.

"Envy! I'm back!" With that announcement the blonde hung up his coat and lay down on the couch. He was tired. Very tired. Thus, he decided not to even go to his bed for a nap. Unfortunately, Envy, the teenager's lover, had no knowledge of his chibi's foul mood.

The homunculus creeped upon the couch, utterly soundless. He was beyond thrilled that the shorter---

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Ame: Ed's not here. I can call him short. Shortshortshortshortshort……

DWSOP: Now, honey, don't do that; how would you feel if they called you crazy?

Ame: But they _do_ call Makona crazy. (big teary eyes) My hair will never be purple. 'Tis so sad.

DWSOP: (turning to the readers) Please go on with the story. Don't worry; I'll take care of her. (pats Ame)

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--boyfriend was home. This was probably due to the fact that Envy hadn't gotten any the night before. Something weird about Edward being "tired". This "tired" thing didn't sound very appealing to the Sin. It was much better to be a homunculus. Anyways, he'd been horny all day--and Al, that bastard, said that it was inappropriate for him to sing the "Screwing the Chibi" song in front of Wrath. Also, after awhile, drawing graphically detailed and very obscene pictures of Ed became boring. There were only so many times you could sketch S&M before you decided that you wanted the real thing. It never occurred to him that the alchemist disliked being whipped. After all, he could dream, right?

Thus, the Sin wanted nothing more than to lift his chibi up and pack him upstairs….Though that might take too long--ravishing him where he lay was a much better idea. "Chibi-san. Oh Chibi-san…."

"Mmm? Whaya wan' Nnnva?"

Envy grinned happily. "Why this, of course, Chibi-mine." With that statement, the four hundred-year-old pounced.

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The Sin of Envy was deeply upset. Edward had said he was supposed to sleep on the couch for a week. Well, that was the original punishment. Until those dirty pictures were discovered, that is. Now he was sleeping on the couch for a month with 1. No sex _any time_ 2. No paper or pencils allowed anywhere near him 3. No singing his new song for the entire time 4. No food that could be used for an erotic purpose (basically everything as far as Envy was concerned) and the last, most horrible 4. No dirty thoughts. How would Ed even know?!

Envy's punishment was soon increased to two months for disobeying orders.

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Ame: Fluzz-fluzz is making it bacon. (sad expression) She says flip-flops are not edible, even if fried. Everybody else is having lots of fun!

Ed: (from somewhere towards the back of the house) Oh! Envy! Envy! Yes! Hell yes!

Ame: (extra smugness) I _told_ them Scrabble© was fun.

DWSOP: (whispering) Poor thing. She doesn't even realize she doesn't own Scrabble©.

Ame: I think Ed's winning!

DWSOP: Review if you like. Please don't send condolences.

Ame: Yup! We gots enough of those! Send mangos. Every mango you send helps feed me. I like mangos.

DWSOP: We appologize in advance if you didn't enjoy this story. As metioned previously, this was written at 7:00 a.m.


	15. The Sin of Foolishness

A/N: Okay, okay, I'm completely awful….But this time I have an excuse--er--_reason_ for not updating in a while. I'm finally going to post the beginning chapters for some stories! (Celibratory music plays in background) But…erm…they're kinda not FMA fics. (nervous laughter) Actually, most of them are InuYasha yaoi. It used to kinda bother me…but Chyckoo fixed that problem. Yup, go read her story, _Prophecy of Brothers._ Fear the amazingness of Mpreg. Fear it, I say!

Envy: And you were doing so well too…

Wrath: (looks over Ame's notes on what to put in the A/N) You forgot something.

Ame: (twitching) Well, what was it?

Wrath: (clears throat) "Seeing as I've not updated in several months, I will post _two_ drabbles this time." That's pretty important info, ya know.

Ame: (more twitching) Where's Alphonse? I must cover him with pizza…

Wrath: (look of horror) You're going to waste it? That pizza's awesome! Still can't believe _you _made it…

Envy: She's made pizza two days in a row. She can throw it on Al if she wants; but her mom paid for the ingredients…she'll be pissed if you waste it. But, go ahead. Chibi an' Al are out back, sparring.

Ame: (picks up doomed pizza and hurries outside)

Wrath: (runs to try and stop her)

Envy: Crap. Guess I'll have to do the disclaimer… (looks off of paper) "SpongeBob SquarePants and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of Viacom International Inc." Wow. I can't believe she used a disclaimer off of a Gummy Krabby Patty©…. Well, here's the story; it's an April Fools one…she's eight days late for that holiday. (Starts reading through Ame's newest yaoi) I should really try that with Chibi-san….

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Fifteen: The Sin of Foolishness

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Edward Elric trusted his lover with his life. Truly, he did. But that didn't mean that he trusted Envy with other things. Such as the conniving plans he came up with almost every day. Like the one Ed was involved in right this moment. "Are you seriously doing this?"

The homunculus grinned evilly. "Of _course_, Chibi-san. You hate the bastard, right?"

The alchemist sighed. "But why can't you just use his voice?" he mumbled unhappily.

"That's not the way it works; you know that."

"Yeah, but it's--it's _icky_. Do you have to touch me?"

"Well, yeah. And it's not like the entire military doesn't think that you two are already together. Child molestation's a sure way to get him fired, right? It'll be a piece of chocolate cake." The Sin patted his lover on the back soothingly. "Let's get in there and get naked, huh?"

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Riza Hawkeye had always stood one hundred percent behind Roy Mustang. And if only he would listen to everything she said, he'd be Fuehrer before he could say "Fullmetal, the shrimp." Unfortunately, she had to breathe down his neck to make sure he completed _paperwork_. How would he ever get by without her? And it was that time of the day again; paperwork time.

Maybe he'd actually be in his office this time? It was great exercise chasing after him, sure. But his hiding places became more and more creative. Well, she heard voices, looked like he was actually in there.

"Mmm…Roy! Yeah, there. Oh! Oh _yeah_." The blonde woman twitched. Was that Ed?

"Well I guess I can't call you 'small' anymore, hmm?" Roy's voice? What were…?

"Mmm…Roy! Yeah…more!" Was that a scream? Riza burst into the room to behold Colonel Roy Mustang on top of Edward Elric, both completely naked. The Lieutenant sighed.

"Envy, Ed, take it to your house, okay? Roy might walk in and decide he likes what he sees. What would you do then?"

Roy glowed before turning into a fully-clothed Envy--well, as clothed as Envy _could_ be. "No way is that bastard touching _my_ chibi!" Well, that took care of that.

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A/N: Well, have I lost touch? Maybe a little? (super nervous laughter) Sorry…hehehe.

Envy: That was weird. Seriously.

Wrath: (In the kitchen, cleaning pizza off of Al) Couldn't you have done something a little different?

Ame: (trying to touch her nose with her tongue) It was short. Yes. Yeah, it was. I know. Why can't I touch my nose?

Ed: Well, you can make a purring sound right?

Ame: (all excited) Mongoose! Yeah! Next drabble!


	16. The Chibi Army

A/N: Yup, the second one. I'm gonna blather on a bit, 'cause these are my drabbles, and I can. So there. Can't get Enzai. Very sad; something or other about it being illegal to give it to minors…I have to wait until I'm eighteen. _Three whole years_. Those yaoi games better be worth it. Yup. And I now have Scrabble©. Isn't that great? Uh-huh, it is.

Envy: Since you've decided to chatter, I will to. Ever notice how awesome I am? I now have several awesome products named after myself. The EnV phone, NV the weight-loss product, etc. Just thought I'd let you know.

Everyone (except Ame): Uhhhh-huh.

Ame: My friend, DWSOP picks up cell phones in Wal-Mart and says: "Yes. Yes, we've found him. Mmm-hmm. That's right. The humans don't suspect a thing. Five o'clock then. Yes, that'll work." Understandably, everyone avoids her after that.

Wrath: Ame won't bake me another pizza. My life is ruined.

Ame: DWSOP is gonna go shopping with me sometime. We gonna be da stupid. Yup. Merry Easter! Fill up on chocolate and gain twenty pounds.

Ed: (sighing dramatically) Ame owns a new Deluxe Scrabble© game, several FMA manga and anime volumes, along with many perverted fantasies that involve Envy and I in various states of undress. But that's all.

Ame: I need some cheese. What did Al do with my cheese? (runs off in search of cheese)

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Sixteen: The Chibi Army and Their Chocolate-Filled Eggs

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"Let me get this straight: you want me to transform into a _giant bunny rabbit_?" Ed tried not to laugh, really he did, but it was impossible not to.

"Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it? Elicia and the other kids would really like to see the Easter Bunny. And then we're going to hide eggs for them."

The Sin twitched. "That's another thing that I don't understand: why on earth are you filling fake eggs with candy and hiding them? Humans are so strange…"

The alchemist sighed softly. "Envy," he murmured, "it's a tradition; children love it. Doing this little thing for me isn't that awful, right?" The homunculus twitched again. Both of them knew how this argument would end.

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"Look at da bunny! Look at 'im! Fwuzzwie bunny!" Elicia giggled and patted the fake rabbit on the head. "Eatwer bunny, Eatwer bunny! Prettwie!" For the next three and a half hours, bunny-Envy was subjected to ear-tugging, whisker-yanking and rib-breaking pats.

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"You know," Envy muttered, sitting next to his lover, "these egg-hunt things really aren't that bad."

The blonde glared at him. "Maybe that's because you stole all of the candy out of the eggs and ate it yourself? I don't believe we'll be invited back next year."

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A/N: Even shorter than the other one, right? Sorry about that. I'll update sooner than last time, trust me. Really. Message me if I don't within a week, alright? Mmm-hmm. So there.

Envy: (thinking deeply) They should name some type of lube after me…and sex toys. I should have my own line of sex toys…

Ed: (super blush)

Ame: Elicia's name's spelled a bunch of ways. I probably spelled it wrong...inform me please.


	17. Winry, Without Her Chicken Suit

A/N: Yay! Fast update. Sorry if the last two were completely awful; so far I've only gotten one review--usually I have at least three or so. Oh well! Reviews aren't required; I've said that several times, I believe. This one should be more to your liking. Maybe I didn't hear from as many because no one else noticed that I updated? Again--oh well. We haven't seen that much of Winry in this thing, huh? Be prepared to see more. Now.

Ed: Crap. Winry.

Envy: (grins) Poor, pitiful Chibi-san.

Ame: You see her to, you know. I thought that you always read over the script before-hand.

Envy: I was busy reading that Sessh/Inu smut stuff that you wrote. That's like Eddo an' me. Incest! These "Naraku" person interests me…think he'd wanna have a three-some…?

Ed: No way! That guy is _cree-py._ No way that we're goin' there.

Envy: ….Aw…we never do enough sexually deviant things…

Al: (still stuck on the whole "incest" thing) Yuck. There're stories out there about Ed and me…doing things. Inappropriate things.

Wrath: (bursting into tears) How _could_ you Ally?! Wahhh! I always thought that you and Ed were too close!

Al: (heaving a sigh) I'm not _really_ with Nii-san. Some people just write about it…Ick.

Ame: The two of you together…two Elrics doing stuff that they ought not to be doing…I kinda like that thought….

Everyone: (terrified of what Ame will incorporate into the story next)

Ame: Octopus. DWSOP doesn't have eggplants in her ears. I know; I checked.

Envy: Whew. Glad that she's back in Crazyville. Maybe she'll just forget all about taking my chibi away from me. She better or I'll…. (starts muttering about various torture methods)

Ame: Fullmetal Alchemist does not have any flying pigs. If I owned it, I would fix that. The pigs would also be purple, and Ed would wear less than Envy.

Envy: How much would it cost for her to buy us?

Ed: I don't believe Arakawa-sensei's selling. Thank goodness. I've read that fluffy lingerie idea of hers…

Envy: (wishing he knew where that idea was and where to buy the underwear in question)

Ame: Now, Winry will dance in a chicken suit.

Winry: (coming out of the kitchen with a glass of water) Not even if those purple pigs of yours existed.

Ame: (very upset) They're _flying_ pigs! _Flying!_

Of Palm Trees and Chibis: Chapter Seventeen: Winry, Without Her Chicken Suit

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Envy was confused. Well, considering strange mortal traditions, this was, more often than not, the case. But this, no matter how many times he puzzled through it, he just could not figure out. Did people normally do things like this? He'd never seen Chibi-san do something so…strange. This Winry person must have some type of demon blood in her veins. The teenager had gone out shopping with them--more like spending all of Ed's money--and something had caught her eye. It, of course neither belonged to Winry nor anyone that she knew. Apparently that gave Winry the right to destr--I mean _examine_--it.

What did that new model of motorcycle ever do to her? Envy completely agreed with that thought as he observed her dismembering the pitiful vehicle. Grease covered the automail-mechanic's arms and her face had smudges of oil on it. The green-haired homunculus was trying to keep as far away from her as possible; if anyone were too close, they'd be showered with bolts, screws and the occasional splash of mechanical fluids. So what if Chibi-san had told him to "watch her?" _That_ was easier said than done. Sure, homunculi couldn't be killed…but that didn't mean that the pain wasn't…well, painful.

And Chibi could be real pissed and all, but he wasn't going anywhere near that madness of flying wrenches and arms. "Winry! What the hell are you doing to that poor motorcycle?!" Well, looked like it was time to face the music--or whatever sexual pleasures that Ed decided to remove.

"Ed! I've never seen this model before! Isn't it amazing? Now I just have to figure out how to put it back together…" And, because the world hated him, a man ran up to Envy and began to shriek hysterically while pointing at Envy.

"What the hell does she think she's doing?! That's my bike!"

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"Do you _know_ how much it cost for me to replace that bike?! I told you to watch her…you are _so_ sleeping on the couch tonight…"

"Um….Eddo?" Ever since the Winry incident, something had been bothering the Sin. "Are all human females like that? 'Cause, I mean, it's amazing that the human race didn't die out a long time ago…."

"No," the alchemist muttered, rolling his eyes. "Only Winry's like that. Thank goodness….But you can understand why I'd rather be with a guy, right?"

"I thought it was because I was special, amazing in bed, really cute, an awesome killer, sexy, had a great personality…"

Ed smirked. "You may be all those things, but you're still not getting into my pants tonight." _Damn,_ he thought, trying to remember where he put those dirty videotapes of Ed and he engaged in some…interesting activities.

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A/N: So there. I updated. Within two weeks; now I must work on updating the other two stories I have. Your next update will be the Wednesday after next. That means on the second of May. Yup.

Envy: You've actually got a schedule going now?

Ame: Yes. (very smug) Within two weeks, I'll update everything. It's my new saying.

Ed: So you might update _before_ the second; you posted last on a Sunday, and today's Wednessday.

Ame: It depends on the other stories; this one will be updated before them. I'll only update after the other two have updates.

Ed: As in, you won't work on another update until you're done with chapter two of both LS and Unnatural.

Ame: Exactly. So now you know. I'll stop typing now.

Wrath: But...why's that the chapter title?

Ame: Because I'm running out of nifty things to put as chapter titles. _Now _I will stop typing. Bye-bye!


End file.
